Navigating Tough Conversations How Autism Moms Can Set Boundaries with Grace

Hi Moms! I’m developing my new course right now that will be coming out this Fall 2024. So, that’s just around the corner.

The past couple of weeks, I have been working on the self-care and setting boundaries modules. 

Wouldn’t you know that many incidents have popped up related to setting firm boundaries. 

I wondered if this is more common than I think, but now that I am better at setting those boundaries I just don’t realize it as much. 

That’s the goal, right? When you are better at something, it is less overwhelming.

I suspect that it is a combination of that and working on the actual module, but one of the issues was pretty serious. 

In this episode, we explore how issues pop up often that require us to set firm boundaries for self-care so that we can have some peace in our autism journey whether it is related to autism or life in general.

Find the full transcript for this episode at https://thrivingmomsofautistics.com/95

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Navigating Stress Well is Critical for an Autism Mom’s Well-Bing

Let’s walk through a few statements to assess where you are with setting boundaries.

First, I want to say… be honest. What you are feeling is very real and it’s more common than you think. 

Give yourself permission to be real because only then can you meet yourself where you are at and move forward. 

  1. When someone crosses the line, I immediately get defensive.
  2. I avoid issues that are stressful because I feel I don’t have enough energy to give it.
  3. I don’t feel strong enough to deal with issues because I have to focus on my child.

Remember, we all start out somewhere, but that doesn’t have to be our destination. 

You might even handle these things well, but it creeps up on you at some point and you don’t.

That is normal too. We are human beings. These episodes serve as reminders of these things from time to time and aim to support you. 

Let’s break down these statements. 

Statement number one reminds us that we are human. You might get defensive now, but with practice, you can let it marinate and calm yourself before you deal with the problem. 

It feels good to give a piece of your mind in the moment, but it is not helpful in the long term. 

Statement 2 explores what happens when you are tired and exhausted. Moms of autistics feel this on a deep level. 

When you stop and engage in self care in that moment to calm yourself and prepare for what comes next, you don’t have to avoid it and can deal with it. 

I’m going to teach techniques in my course. Your well-being comes first. Also, your doing so is action and not avoidance.

Statement 3 reminds us of who we are. You are a mom raising an autistic child. It’s hard at times, but you are still standing. 

DO NOT sell yourself short. Many moms hate when someone calls them strong. They say, “I don’t have a choice.” 

Everyone has a choice. You choose to keep going when it is difficult. And as lonely as it feels, you are not alone. That is a whole other episode. 

What Can Autism Moms Do When Someone Crosses the Line?

A while back, I  encountered someone who clearly did not understand autism. Sometimes, that feels like a regular Tuesday, doesn’t it?

He is someone who is in the public and does some really important work. He is great at his job but no human being knows everything, right? 

Always remember that even those who are highly intelligent, gifted, and know their stuff in one area can be incredibly clueless about autism. 

Not everyone has experience with autism. He clearly did not. We have all been there when we had our own aha moment about something. 

Sadly, our society and culture makes this difficult and skews the reality of certain things. We often have to learn the hard way.

I was listening to this man, who became very heated and rightly so about a subject. He referred to someone making really bad choices as the R word and autistic. 

I’ve been in the field for a few decades when the medical community used the term mental retardation and psychomotor retardation for medical reasons. 

But society has used these terms, including autistic, completely out of context. They’ve made it something it is not.

He immediately countered with an apology stating, “I know some of you have autistic children.”

I thought, “You are completely missing the boat. He clearly used these terms inappropriately and assumed things that he shouldn’t have. 

However, society has supported this for years. He made it sound like autism was something dirty and one should be ashamed to be autistic. 

So I did what I do when I encounter this. I wrote him a letter to educate him on autism. He was feeling so frustrated at that moment. I believe it was done out of pure ignorance. 

If you get in someone’s face when you are upset, they are not going to hear your message. That is very important. 

What I have done is put the ball in his court. Assuming he gets the message, he can do one of two things. 

He can choose to learn and do better in the future. Or he can blow it off. I have done my part. We cannot force people to understand autism, but we can support positive change for those who are willing to do so. 

Another issue that happened this week was related to someone who performed a service for our son. Her business sense was not good. 

When we went to order, she wasn’t listening to me even after I provided her with proof. It came down to her doing the right thing. She chose a different path and we parted ways. 

That does not directly impact my child, but it does impact my stress level. If I am not careful, it will overflow onto him. 

I made a hard decision because now we have to take time and money to go elsewhere, which is not easy for moms of autistics. 

I knew setting that boundary would be a lesson for her if she were willing to take it and would be right for my own well-being and for our family in the end. 

So setting boundaries is critical because its reach overlaps into other areas regarding stress, well-bing, and the needs of our child. 

It can be done in such a way that your message is heard and you can move forward. 

There is nothing worse than getting stuck in a difficult, highly emotional situation. 

Also, it teaches your child that they can set boundaries with others too and that is okay. 

Last week, I ended with how you deserve peace. Own that peace! 

I hope this helps. I look forward to our time together next week.